March 17, 2009
Good god, it's been more than a good 3 months since I last wrote here.
Lately, I've been dumbing down my language for other's sake. Not to discredit other ppl's ability, though it does point to a lack of confidence on my part, I deliberately chose to do so to avoid any misunderstandings. Although inevitably, it happens nonetheless. Pointless I guess.
Life, don't know what to think.
It's been such a blur lately. Haven't quite got the time to stop and think. Guess to a certain degree, I sorta appreciate it. Sadly, that also means I've not had any time to do leisurely things that truly interests me.
Today, made the mistake of asking the wrong question. The response I received, though not personally negative to myself, did evoke a lot of unhelpful emotions. One particular regret which I had thought was behind me came surfacing right back. Guess I do have some ways to go.
I can't help but feel I've had more regrets in my adult life than in my entire lifetime before. Probably the stakes are higher as an adult. Or adulthood doesn't really start until decisions truly matter. I don't think I will figure out that one. I do know of course, that these regrets are set in stone, with every passing day, there seems to be more for me to do in order to make up for past mistakes.
Hopefully, not everyone feel the need to redeem themselves. But I do. And I will make no apologies about it. I need my drive. I need my motivation. I need my sweat to mean something. My tears to be vindicated. I need to keep this determination inside me. The rigour & intensity all bottled up inside me, waiting for that moment of release to overcome what lack of motivation or discipline I do not have by replacing it with sheer desire and hard-headed single mindedness to get where I cannot be if I was my logical, realistic & pessimistic self.
Lately, I've been dumbing down my language for other's sake. Not to discredit other ppl's ability, though it does point to a lack of confidence on my part, I deliberately chose to do so to avoid any misunderstandings. Although inevitably, it happens nonetheless. Pointless I guess.
Life, don't know what to think.
It's been such a blur lately. Haven't quite got the time to stop and think. Guess to a certain degree, I sorta appreciate it. Sadly, that also means I've not had any time to do leisurely things that truly interests me.
Today, made the mistake of asking the wrong question. The response I received, though not personally negative to myself, did evoke a lot of unhelpful emotions. One particular regret which I had thought was behind me came surfacing right back. Guess I do have some ways to go.
I can't help but feel I've had more regrets in my adult life than in my entire lifetime before. Probably the stakes are higher as an adult. Or adulthood doesn't really start until decisions truly matter. I don't think I will figure out that one. I do know of course, that these regrets are set in stone, with every passing day, there seems to be more for me to do in order to make up for past mistakes.
Hopefully, not everyone feel the need to redeem themselves. But I do. And I will make no apologies about it. I need my drive. I need my motivation. I need my sweat to mean something. My tears to be vindicated. I need to keep this determination inside me. The rigour & intensity all bottled up inside me, waiting for that moment of release to overcome what lack of motivation or discipline I do not have by replacing it with sheer desire and hard-headed single mindedness to get where I cannot be if I was my logical, realistic & pessimistic self.
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