Sunday, April 10, 2011

I thought

I could let it go.

That it would be for the better.

But the monster is back.

Monday, October 04, 2010


I may be growing up, growing old, but not necessarily growing any wiser.

Randomly looked at some of my old posts, life sure has changed. For one, I couldn't care less about my haircuts now.

I've decided, rather than drowning myself in melancholy and pondering over what is and could have been, I should just do something about it.

These days, as steely as I've become in a professional capacity, emotionally I may be regressing to that young little boy I used to know. They say one becomes who they pretend to be. That may be true initially but it's starting to feel like one merely buries who they truly are, waiting to resurface violently in its battered form to rip apart the has been and is.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

I choose to be

A random call out of nowhere. Initially, I thought it was just a good friend checking up on me. Occasionally some do that. They ask me if I'm dead yet, or dying, but I know they have good intentions.

This one call was different. He wanted me to look outside my window. To check if there is an accident down there. No there wasn't, I told him.

"My girlfriend's been in an accident," came the somber reply. "She told me she's outside some apartments in BJ and I thought it could be yours. I'm out of town, she called me all scared, her ribs hurt and arm's bleeding."

I'm very ashamed of myself when I say this but my initial thought was that I probably shouldn't have told him I was feeling better.

But I had to make a choice. And like how I would with most decisions in life, I put myself in the other person's shoes. In this case, I imagined if I was the one in the crash, cringing in pain and hoping for a Samaritan.

Though it was quite a clear-cut decision, it wasn't an easy one to make. I told him I'll drive over and check it out. To see if I could help. And I did just that.

Even though by the time I got there her friend had already picked her to the hospital, I managed to put my friend who had lost contact with his gf, back in contact with her through her friend.

And I felt better knowing I had done the right thing. Even though I had to drag my ass out of my climate controlled (that's air conditioned for those of you more literal) abode, it was worth it being for being at peace with myself.

Everyone writes for their own reasons. To express oneself is the classic one. Same with me. But there is a certain part of me who writes to be understood. For others to see beyond the shell and everyday action, to give everyone a glimpse into my psyche and see who I truly am.

I'm not sure if everyone struggles with these decisions like I do. I have a suspicion they don't. That it comes easy to them, because it's the human thing to do. I believe in humanity like that. Which is also why it's so hard for me to say that I struggled. And I will continue to struggle. But I want to continue choosing to do the right thing. Because one day, I will need someone else to choose the same for me.

Monday, May 11, 2009


Know I haven't been writing in a long long long time.

Though I usually don't like to write crap about my day, I suddenly feel like doing so. I haven't done so many things in a weekend in quite some time.

Let's see, finally finished work early on Fri night so went to see Wolverine. Sat did house chores with some help *wink* *wink* and had lunch at home. Then did some work before going out to Amcorp Mall (first time ever) before going to LowYat.

Finally decided to ditch the stupid undependable wireless adapter and got a PCI network card instead. Then, I got sucked into buying the beauty of a wireless mouse, aka ARC. Justified it as an investment for work.

Then came back to quickly shower and change. Went with a bunch of crazy idiots out clubbing. Met Vincent and his friend. Went and danced the night away. Got hit on, bwahahahahahaha. Pretty good looking ones too, haha.

Couldn't sleep much the next day. Guess too used to waking up at an ungodly hour, sigh. Went for late lunch, got a bit of indigestion, went to furniture shopping in Ikea, dropped by the Curve, Tesco and went to take a nap.

Finally went for dinner and come home. Replied a couple work emails and finally took the new mouse for a test drive, pretty ok but think needs a little getting use to.

Then went to fix the stupid network card in. Straight forward but surprisingly challenge. Finally figured it out and voila, working flawlessly now!

Oh, and I just rolled up a magazine, and smashed to death this huge bug that was crawling on the wall behind the monitor. All in a weekend.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

March 17, 2009

Good god, it's been more than a good 3 months since I last wrote here.

Lately, I've been dumbing down my language for other's sake. Not to discredit other ppl's ability, though it does point to a lack of confidence on my part, I deliberately chose to do so to avoid any misunderstandings. Although inevitably, it happens nonetheless. Pointless I guess.

Life, don't know what to think.

It's been such a blur lately. Haven't quite got the time to stop and think. Guess to a certain degree, I sorta appreciate it. Sadly, that also means I've not had any time to do leisurely things that truly interests me.

Today, made the mistake of asking the wrong question. The response I received, though not personally negative to myself, did evoke a lot of unhelpful emotions. One particular regret which I had thought was behind me came surfacing right back. Guess I do have some ways to go.

I can't help but feel I've had more regrets in my adult life than in my entire lifetime before. Probably the stakes are higher as an adult. Or adulthood doesn't really start until decisions truly matter. I don't think I will figure out that one. I do know of course, that these regrets are set in stone, with every passing day, there seems to be more for me to do in order to make up for past mistakes.

Hopefully, not everyone feel the need to redeem themselves. But I do. And I will make no apologies about it. I need my drive. I need my motivation. I need my sweat to mean something. My tears to be vindicated. I need to keep this determination inside me. The rigour & intensity all bottled up inside me, waiting for that moment of release to overcome what lack of motivation or discipline I do not have by replacing it with sheer desire and hard-headed single mindedness to get where I cannot be if I was my logical, realistic & pessimistic self.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Temporary Insomnia

Can't freaking sleep. This really sucks!!!!

I've over 6 hours of sleep debt and there I was for the past hour, lying in bed, not quite drifting anywhere.

Work's treating me pretty well. It's been keeping me busy really, more busy than I'd ideally like to be, but I'm happy. At least, I won't have time to think silly thoughts.

Another silver lining of my lack REM sleep is that well, I'm here writing this. Don't really have any particular thoughts at this point, other than I feel work really does make me happy. Think that's a pretty good quality to have if I choose to be a workaholic.

Tomorrow is gonna be sooo horrible for me. Which is why it's prolly a good idea to budget in time for a cuppa (or two) mocha in the early morning.

As a parting word to the world,



Saturday, December 27, 2008

I'm reading David Sedaris

His observations are so inane; he says what we all think, but dare not verbalize out loud.